Kobe walks into W.B.B.L Image Consultants Inc. accompanied by his agent, Rob Pelinka, and a secret service type security team of seven large men.
B. Long
Kobe. My man! How the girls been?(Security Team approaches B. Pats him down. Kobe gives dap.)
Kobe
What's good B. Been awhile. The girls are good. I see Jen's keeping ya well feed. How's Caden?
B. Long
He's growing like a weed, man and you know how those Spanish girls are with the cooking.
Kobe
Not really, Vanessa isn't exactly Rachel Ray. (we both laugh, Rob approaches.)
Rob
Alright, every thing's clear here. You guys can wait outside. (herds security team out door) Brad. (says with slight irritation in voice)
Brad
Rob. (awkward handshake follows) Have a seat fellas. So Kob, I know I left a message with your assistant on the phone after Beijing but congrats on the gold medal. Defending your ass on Slamonline was a full time job until those last few games. I knew you'd kill it when it mattered most though. I take it that made the Finals a little easier to get over?
Kobe
Yeah, I read slamonline every now and then. Tell E that 4 point play was for him and I didn't get that message. (gives Rob a look) but yeah, you know how I feel about it. Winning the gold medal was even more important to me than...(B. Interrupts)
B.Long
Kob! Come on man. This is your boy your talking to. I'm your Image consultant for Christ sakes! Save that shit for Craig Sager or somebody. This is the one place where it is safe to say whatever the hell you want and not be scrutinized for it. Take advantage of that.
Kobe
Sorry B. Your right. My bad. Winning the gold was nice but the pressure was crazy considering that if we had lost it would've destroyed any shot of me going down as the g.o.a.t. My shot was off the first couple of games but I still got mine and came through for the team in the clutch like al...well most of the time... but knowing that you have to win an international title just to maintain your status takes a little bit of the fun out of it. But I couldn't deal with a nickname like Lebronze, I just couldn't. It was cool to get to play with him , D-Wade, and Deron though. Damn, I wish Deron hadn't signed that extension with the Jazz. Who the hell wants to STAY in Utah?
Rob
It was great international exposure for Kobe as well. The people in China actually treated him a million times better than in the U.S. You wouldn't believe how many hyperdunks we sold. We should talk to Nike about restructuring your contract. Your getting screwed.
B. Long
O.K. so the first thing I like to do at these meetings is go over our main objective and set individual benchmarks that we can reach to help you get there. Are we still focused on the same thing we were last year?
Kobe
You know it. I gotta go down as the greatest of all time. I've worked too hard to get this far not to hold the crown. I know I'll never get the love off the court that M.J. did. That's my fault. I've excepted that. Fuck love. I want just want the acknowledgment. The respect.
B. Long
Look, I see where your coming from. I do. But you came here today because you know I'm the only guy who will be totally honest with you so let me do my job. They've seen you avg. 40 for a month. They' ve seen you posterize the best center in the game. I was there when you dropped 63 in 3 quarters against Dallas and it was like a religious experience. Then you go and drop 81. That's some legendary shit right there. But there are lots of players that are legendary. David Thompson is legendary. The Ice Man is legendary. So is Pistol. We've gotta make you immortal. Rings are immortal. And you gotta win 3 more. 4 and you'll hold that undisputed title.
Kobe
But I already told the public, I'm tired of being compared to Mike. I wish everyone would jus...(Interrupted by B.)
B. Long
What? Drop it? How can they? You changed your Lakers number to 24. Coincidence? OK, maybe. Then your Team USA number was 10. What was Mike's again? You can sell that bullshit somewhere else. You may get tired of the comparisons but it's not because you don't feel like your not in the same class as Jordan. It's because you feel like in your heart of hearts that your better and your scared to death of failing your own expectations. I'm gonna be real with you, the majority of fans will never see you as the best without more Shaqless rings. But here's the good news. You got at least 3 more years in your prime and you'll be playing on the most talented team pound for pound you ever have your entire career. You still have time to prove to everyone what you know in your heart is the truth.
(Kobe sits back in his chair, hand on chin. He's taken back by what he has heard as if no one is usually this honest with him)
Rob(obviously pissed)
Kobe doesn't have anything to prove to anybody. He's already the greatest. Bill Russell has 11 rings but his name never comes up in the discussion anymore. Your just like the rest of these assholes who place unrealistic goals on Kobe or don't think he' s hard enough to hold the crown because he had money coming up. People in America will never appreciate Kobe for what he is.
That's why I'm already looking into other options for him. (Turns to Kobe. Pulls stack of legal documents out of Versace briefcase.) Screw America, The owners at Olympickos are ready to offer you a 3 year, 83 million dollar deal. The deal includes all taxes paid for by the team, a 15 million dollar Mansion fully staffed with 20 servants, full scholarships for the girls to the best schools in Europe,they'll pass a city ordnance against mentioning the state of Colorado, a new Bentley each year, and...SMACK!(B. Long stands up, open hand pimp slaps Rob out of his chair to the ground)
Kobe
HOLY SHIT!
Brad(sits back down, straightens tie calmly)
Listen Kobe, what Rob is purposing is exactly what your critics want you to do. They want you to take your ball and go overseas...because that would justify them. All of the "Kobe's too selfish to lead"s and "he alright but he ain't shit compared to M.J."s and the "tell me how my ass tastes" become not just opinions but facts. They'll paint you as a coward. Sure Rob will write up a press release and try to spin it like you miss living overseas and you want your kids to enjoy other cultures and have the same opportunities as you did and as true as some of it may be, in the eyes of American basketball fans you'll be labeled a quitter. People will say that you had the opportunity to be the greatest but you just didn't have that competitive drive that M.J. did. Which we both know is bullshit but if you leave at this point of your career, and as amazing as a career as it has been, that's the legacy you'll leave in the States. A legacy of unfulfilled expectations. That's not you.
Kobe (a blend of frustration and excitement builds on his face)
Hell naw.
Brad
You'll go overseas and avg. 40 against good but not great competition easily. That's not you. Lebron, D-Wade, and CP3 will battle for NBA supremacy back in the states while you'll be the basketball David Beckham, an international icon loved by people who've only really heard of your legend but never seen it in person and you'll make crazy amounts of money in endorsements even for you, but that's not you. If you go overseas not only will it let down your personal fans but sports fans in America in general. During a time when we see our countries jobs out sourced daily and our economy at it's worst, to see the greatest basketball player in the world leave as well to chase Euros would crush souls. You'll let everyone who has ever openly criticized you win. Reggie wins, Curt Schilling wins, Eboy wins, Skip Bayless wins ...........Shaq wins. Is that how you wanna go out?
Kobe(Completely amped)
FUCK NO!
B. Long(His voice getting louder as he speaks)
Because the Kobe I know doesn't just settle for dominating weak competition. He wants to take it right at the best motherfuckers out there, leaving no doubts about who the coldest player on the court is. The Kobe I know sometimes calls himself the Mamba and mambas don't run away from an animal that poses a threat, they're the only snakes that chase those bitches down and kill 'em. The Kobe I know loves the U.S., he put on for us this summer, and would never leave us during a period of time when we need him most. That's the Kobe I know.
(Rob wakes up, slowly attempts to pull himself up onto his chair)
Kobe
That's because that's who I am. No fucking critics can change me. And there's no way in hell I'm going to Europe. I got to much jewelry to collect stateside man.
Rob
But Kobe...the exchange rate...BAM!(B. punches him in the jaw putting him back in a state of unconsciousness)
Rob
It was great international exposure for Kobe as well. The people in China actually treated him a million times better than in the U.S. You wouldn't believe how many hyperdunks we sold. We should talk to Nike about restructuring your contract. Your getting screwed.
B. Long
O.K. so the first thing I like to do at these meetings is go over our main objective and set individual benchmarks that we can reach to help you get there. Are we still focused on the same thing we were last year?
Kobe
You know it. I gotta go down as the greatest of all time. I've worked too hard to get this far not to hold the crown. I know I'll never get the love off the court that M.J. did. That's my fault. I've excepted that. Fuck love. I want just want the acknowledgment. The respect.
B. Long
Look, I see where your coming from. I do. But you came here today because you know I'm the only guy who will be totally honest with you so let me do my job. They've seen you avg. 40 for a month. They' ve seen you posterize the best center in the game. I was there when you dropped 63 in 3 quarters against Dallas and it was like a religious experience. Then you go and drop 81. That's some legendary shit right there. But there are lots of players that are legendary. David Thompson is legendary. The Ice Man is legendary. So is Pistol. We've gotta make you immortal. Rings are immortal. And you gotta win 3 more. 4 and you'll hold that undisputed title.
Kobe
But I already told the public, I'm tired of being compared to Mike. I wish everyone would jus...(Interrupted by B.)
B. Long
What? Drop it? How can they? You changed your Lakers number to 24. Coincidence? OK, maybe. Then your Team USA number was 10. What was Mike's again? You can sell that bullshit somewhere else. You may get tired of the comparisons but it's not because you don't feel like your not in the same class as Jordan. It's because you feel like in your heart of hearts that your better and your scared to death of failing your own expectations. I'm gonna be real with you, the majority of fans will never see you as the best without more Shaqless rings. But here's the good news. You got at least 3 more years in your prime and you'll be playing on the most talented team pound for pound you ever have your entire career. You still have time to prove to everyone what you know in your heart is the truth.
(Kobe sits back in his chair, hand on chin. He's taken back by what he has heard as if no one is usually this honest with him)
Rob(obviously pissed)
Kobe doesn't have anything to prove to anybody. He's already the greatest. Bill Russell has 11 rings but his name never comes up in the discussion anymore. Your just like the rest of these assholes who place unrealistic goals on Kobe or don't think he' s hard enough to hold the crown because he had money coming up. People in America will never appreciate Kobe for what he is.
That's why I'm already looking into other options for him. (Turns to Kobe. Pulls stack of legal documents out of Versace briefcase.) Screw America, The owners at Olympickos are ready to offer you a 3 year, 83 million dollar deal. The deal includes all taxes paid for by the team, a 15 million dollar Mansion fully staffed with 20 servants, full scholarships for the girls to the best schools in Europe,they'll pass a city ordnance against mentioning the state of Colorado, a new Bentley each year, and...SMACK!(B. Long stands up, open hand pimp slaps Rob out of his chair to the ground)
Kobe
HOLY SHIT!
Brad(sits back down, straightens tie calmly)
Listen Kobe, what Rob is purposing is exactly what your critics want you to do. They want you to take your ball and go overseas...because that would justify them. All of the "Kobe's too selfish to lead"s and "he alright but he ain't shit compared to M.J."s and the "tell me how my ass tastes" become not just opinions but facts. They'll paint you as a coward. Sure Rob will write up a press release and try to spin it like you miss living overseas and you want your kids to enjoy other cultures and have the same opportunities as you did and as true as some of it may be, in the eyes of American basketball fans you'll be labeled a quitter. People will say that you had the opportunity to be the greatest but you just didn't have that competitive drive that M.J. did. Which we both know is bullshit but if you leave at this point of your career, and as amazing as a career as it has been, that's the legacy you'll leave in the States. A legacy of unfulfilled expectations. That's not you.
Kobe (a blend of frustration and excitement builds on his face)
Hell naw.
Brad
You'll go overseas and avg. 40 against good but not great competition easily. That's not you. Lebron, D-Wade, and CP3 will battle for NBA supremacy back in the states while you'll be the basketball David Beckham, an international icon loved by people who've only really heard of your legend but never seen it in person and you'll make crazy amounts of money in endorsements even for you, but that's not you. If you go overseas not only will it let down your personal fans but sports fans in America in general. During a time when we see our countries jobs out sourced daily and our economy at it's worst, to see the greatest basketball player in the world leave as well to chase Euros would crush souls. You'll let everyone who has ever openly criticized you win. Reggie wins, Curt Schilling wins, Eboy wins, Skip Bayless wins ...........Shaq wins. Is that how you wanna go out?
Kobe(Completely amped)
FUCK NO!
B. Long(His voice getting louder as he speaks)
Because the Kobe I know doesn't just settle for dominating weak competition. He wants to take it right at the best motherfuckers out there, leaving no doubts about who the coldest player on the court is. The Kobe I know sometimes calls himself the Mamba and mambas don't run away from an animal that poses a threat, they're the only snakes that chase those bitches down and kill 'em. The Kobe I know loves the U.S., he put on for us this summer, and would never leave us during a period of time when we need him most. That's the Kobe I know.
(Rob wakes up, slowly attempts to pull himself up onto his chair)
Kobe
That's because that's who I am. No fucking critics can change me. And there's no way in hell I'm going to Europe. I got to much jewelry to collect stateside man.
Rob
But Kobe...the exchange rate...BAM!(B. punches him in the jaw putting him back in a state of unconsciousness)
Kobe
I'm fucking hyped, B. This is exactly what I needed. LeBron can have all that first billionaire athlete and global icon shit. I gotta do me. I gotta put some more trophies in the case, homie. I really appreciate this.
B. Long
Any time, Kob. Any time. You guys gonna stay overnight? We'd love to have you over for dinner.
Kobe
Naw. Vanessa don't like me staying out of town with out her too much since 04. You know how it is. Maybe next time.
B. Long
Gotcha.
Kobe
(Opens conference room door, calls to security team)
Hey Jake, yall come get Rob. Brad knocked him out again. So what do I owe ya, B?
B. Long (starts to walk Kobe and security team to door)
Just a new banner in the Staples Center next year. If you can do that then we're straight.
Kobe(gives dap again.)
For sure, man. For sure.
B. Long
Have a good flight and tell Sasha I said to get a fucking haircut!
Kobe (Walking out door)
I will. Take care man. See you midseason.
B. Long
Later Kob.
Kobe (pauses as if he forgot something)
Hey B, when your on slamonline, do you ever talk to Ryan Jones?
B. Long
Yeah, I chat with Farmer Jones every now and then, Why?
Kobe
Is he still pissed at me?
B. Long
How does that old saying go? A woman scorned...?
Kobe
(Laughs) Right.
11 comments:
Dude, you need to get some friends!!!! :) Seriously, I laughed my ass off more than once, and yes, having Kobe dedicate a 4 point play to me is heartwarming. I like it, alot. Good work and thanks for keeping me close to the nether regions of Kobe's being. Now if only your man could read this, maybe he'd straighten the fuck up.
Friends? I used to have those. Then I had a kid and got engaged. I kid of course. Glad you enjoyed it, E. Now tell everyone else at SKO to take a peek.
My best friend is my son, so don't sweat it. My wife hates it that we team up against her, but whatever.....she'll get over it....in about 14 years.
what the hell is this? A good write up? By B.Long? I cant belive this!! And he made some sillys!!
Thanks Bet,I'm glad you enjoyed the sillys.
I like it, B. Long. And I think I deserved that 4 point play over Eboy. Dude, you gotta namecheck me more in your writing :). Anyways, y'all better peep Hibachi and read my Wolves preview (and the celtics one too, i guess, if you haven't read it already). The comments section is all boring on em.
@jb:Thanks, I was arguing with some one at Slam one day about something Mamba related and someone made the comment that Kobe must pay me to do this. Then I saw that offer from Olyimpikos and it all just came together.
Haha this was hilarious and fun to read. Only minor negative, was all the "your's" in place of "you're". But this was a NICE read.
Thanks anonammaoansonysus, appreciate the feedback and I'll try to take the time to proofread next time. Is this someone from Slam? And if so, Who?
Well it wasn't me B. I liked that actually. I read it a while ago and just never got around to commenting.
This is the boy Presto or the guy formerly known as DP. This was some very funny shit my guy and I love the little racheal ray reference. For a minute, I thought this was an actual conversation until I saw that you bitch slapped rob to the ground. I was laughing my ass off at that part! all in all, great job, B. and visit my blog every now and again. heavyasheaven.blogspot.com. Most underrated blog site in the game. slu.
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