Christmas Come Early!

Thank you SLAM FAMILIA...

I just received an e-mail from Susan Price at SLAM informing me that I will be the proud new owner of Kobe's Hyperdunks that were used in his viral video campaign last year, signed by the Mamba himself. No Eboy, I did not jizz in my pants. For those of you who need a refresher course on Mamba Marketing 101, Kobe rocked the Hyperdunks in two diffrent youtube vids last year. One jumping over a moving Aston Martin, another jumping over a pool of snakes with the cast of Jackass.



Can't say thank you enough to Susan, Ben, Ryne, and anyone else at SLAM who contributed to this incredibly awesome hookup. No mag on the planet takes care of their people like SLAM. No word on which pair I'm getting yet, the Aston Martins or the Snake Pool ones, but either one will be equally amazing considering not only will they be autographed by Kobe but they'll also have a great story to go with it. I 'll be posting pics as soon as the UPS man pulls out of the driveway. Thanks Again.

It Was All a Dream

One More Chance...

Somebody pinch me. For real? Kobe, Shaq, and Phil back at it like Illmatic. Only in Hollywood. Arguably the greatest NBA coach of all-time torn between arguably two of the NBA's most talented players ever. Shaq, a center that was so skilled and so damn physically intimidating that he influenced an entire generation of young Seven-footers to work on their jumpers and play the four. Kobe, labeled the Second Coming since he started getting burn off the L.A. bench, blossomed into one of the greatest all around shooting guards of all-time and damn sure the scariest scoring threat in league history. Then you have Phil, he of the 9 rings and eccentric coaching philosophy. They had enough talent to go on a Bill Russell run between the two of them, but they also had enough ego to make Usain Bolt and Jeremy Piven look humble. The three-peat was incredible but everyone knows that there should've been so much more to them than that. But with Kobe's legal trouble, the failure that was the 2004 season, and Shaq's constant bitching about money and inability to stay in shape in the offseason, came the bitter divorce. Mitch and Jerry pulled the trigger on a dynasty.

Everyone all ready knows the he said he said stories. The interviews, the books, the freestyles, all the bullshit. Shaq would drop a jab at Kobe in an interview, Kobe would drop 50 on someone in response. There was no doubt that their was hate involved. Shaq got his sweet revenge by teaming with Flash and bringing a ring to Miami. Kobe gunned his way into the record books and struggled to get out of the first round with his D-League like squads. With Shaq gone and D-Fish playing elsewhere as well, Kobe went into "Me against the World" mode, trusting only himself and his jumper and almost pushing himself out of L.A. in the process. Then last year, something finally clicked, Lamar started playing like the guy they traded for, D-Fish swam back, and Sasha decided to turn on the machine during working hours. Memphis chipped in with a little help too. Pau was the legit second banana that Kobe had longed for. As things where finally shaping up in L.A. Shaq's personal and professional life was spiraling downward. The Heat where tanking, his home life was all over the tabloids, Shaq was apparently possessed by the ghost of Kandi-Man, and was promptly shipped to the valley of the Suns in exchange for a disgruntled basketball swiss army knife with an attitude problem. Kobe fell short in the Finals and Shaq inquired to the taste of his own anus. Terrible.

Then something crazy happened. Shaq was reborn in Phoenix this season(Apparently Jesus Christ is the Sun's Trainer. Who knew?), playing more like the guy who won 4 rings than the guy that caused D'Antoni to head to the Big Apple, and Kobe, now more than ever apparently has trust in his teammates and his coach and has finally mastered the team leader and 4th quarter killer role that Phil has been molding him for since day one. Both guys had incredible first halves of the season and when it was announced that they would be reunited for one night in Phoenix, the media jumped on the story as if Michael Phelps and Alex Rodriguez came out of the closet together. The best part was that all parties involved seemed genuinely excited about the opportunity to get back together again. As soon as Shaqerwokee entered the building and Kobe nailed his first jumper there was no question whose night this was. The Big Legendaries where back, at least for one night.


Kobe threw down dunks and nailed threes, Shaq pounded the paint and threw in some crazy passes, handles, and cuts to the basket. Basically they got their 2001 on. As I watched the game with a huge silly smile on my face I couldn't help but think about how surreal of a moment this was. Even two years ago who could've ever imagined in their wildest dreams that we would ever see Kobe and Shaq playing together, laughing together, winning together except on ESPN Classic. Not me. I figured we'd eventually see a retired gray bearded Shaq and naturally balded Kobe give an interview well into their fifties about their story and how all the b.s. was behind them but not this soon. This was some Pac and Biggie-style beef. At least the basketball version of that. These dudes were not collaborating on a court any time soon. No fucking way. God had a bigger plan. This ,along with Magic's last All-Star game, will always hold a special place in heart. I guess this is just another microcosm in sports that shows that real change is possible. Here's to hoping that Pac and B.I.G. had a similar moment on the other side.

Report Card Time! Vol. III

The Clippers and Kings should go half on a Tudor. Pacific Division's turn.
Los Angeles Clippers
It's funny because it's true. Well at least that whole embarrassing the NBA since 1970 is. Damn. This was supposed to be the season too. The Rebirth. The prodigal son returns. They also added Cambyman and Eric Gordon to a squad that already had the ever improving Al Thornton and Hulkamaniac Chris Kaman. Sure Elton left, but no one expected this. An opening night ass whooping by the big boys across the gym had to be a brutal wake up call for B-Diddy and the Fam. So what went wrong? Well...Elton left. Now Elton isn't sitting in a much better situation in Philly, but the void he left in Clipperland and the way he played with Coach Dunleavy's emotions definitely had a negative impact on this team that is still lingering. The main problem on the court is that this team has no bench. Name two players on the Clipshow bench without nba.com. Exactly. They have no bench, no chemistry, and Baron apparently isn't the savior that all three Clipper fans had been praying for. Don't get me wrong, I love Baron's game, but what I don't love is his constant headbutting with his coach and the way he seems to care more about his production company than the job that gave him the ability to have a production company in the first place. Like I said in the NOYZ section of SLAM, Baron signed with the only franchise that gives him a better chance at winning an Academy Award than a NBA related one. They'll be lucky to break 25 wins this year and the future doesn't look much better. The more things change...


SACRAMENTO KINGS

"We gotta be throwed to cheer for these assclowns"

What can you say about the Sacramento Kings that wasn't already said about the Bush Administration's last few months in the White House. They don't give a fuck how horrible of a job they're doing because they're getting the hell out of town anyways. Vegas here we come. Kevin Martin has been pretty much the only bright spot on a team that struggles for an identity that it will never find without the support of the Maloof Brothers, which they won't get until they suck bad enough to keep every loyal Sacramento King fan out of the gym and Stern gives the O.K. to head to Sin City. This fiasco has been brutally obvious since the decline of C-Webb and the All-Star game on the strip a couple of years back. The Maloof's were drooling. So they decided to screw the fans that had rooted the team into the playoffs for half a decade, blow up their team instead of rebuild it, and wait it out. If they keep playing like this they will soon get their wish. Trading Ron Artest to the Rockets for Donte Green and change may be helpful in the long run but it was the nail in the coffin for Reggie Theus as coach. Brad Miller is still Brad Miller, Bobby Jackson is not still Bobby Jackson, and Beno is a competitor with Gas-X, not an NBA starting point guard. Their biggest surprise this year has been a rookie named Bobby Brown. These guys will also be lucky to break 25 wins this season and Vegas is definitely the Maloof's prerogative.

Phoenix Suns
Who would've thought in their wildest dream that the same Shaq that everyone saw fall in Miami and get traded to the desert would be the centerpiece on a squad that boasts Nash and Amare? Not me. The Suns are a more complicated than Trigonometry. They seem to have all the parts to make at least one last push for a championship but as much as I admire Terry Porter and the things he has overcome to become a head coach in this league, he just doesn't seem like the right fit for this team. Not only are they having problems implementing a gameplan that makes sense on a nightly basis, word out of Phoenix is that the lockeroom isn't quite what it used to be either. Turns out Shawn Marion wasn't the only person with a ego on the Suns the past couple of years, he was just an easy scapegoat with an ugly jumper. Suns fans should try to enjoy this version of the team as much as possible this year considering the whole team could be overhauled by this time next season and is sure to lose at least one star player by 2010. I see these guys at 29-22 at the break and 44-38 barley beating out the Mavs for the 7th seed and a first round match up with Nawlins.

Los Angeles Lakers
I think Yogi Berra said it best when he famously chimed "It's Dejavu all over again." That could certainly be said about this year's version of the Lakers. Just when Young Drew had gotten his groove back and looked like he was ready to take up the mantle of the next great Laker Big, dude goes down with an injury to his other knee. The good news is that this team is actually deeper than the Lakers of last year with a healthy Trevor Ariza who has been straight up killing teams in limited minutes this season. Lamar should be able to fill the gap at the four for now, even though he just seemed to be embracing this whole six man thing. This injury means that the team will have to adjust it's offense and play more of an uptempo game, which is good news for Jordan Farmar's playing time. Kobe showed us against the Knicks that he can still pick up the scoring load at any time but their biggest concern with the loss of Drew will be their interior defense. Boston beasted on the inside in Finals last year when Drew was down and on Christmas day this year you could tell that he definitely had the goods to be a huge difference maker if the teams were to meet up again in the finals this year. I see this team at 44-10 at the break and finishing the season at 67-15, praying that Andrew's knee will heal quicker than it did last year.

B. Long's (Overdue) Weekly review

He's baaaack!

What it do, fellas? Sorry about the disappearing act the past couple of weeks. My company is going through a merger right now and the office has been similar to a Turkish prison the past couple of weeks. Maybe I should quit my day job just pull a Kobe and charge people for reading my blog. What's fifty dollars times five? Time to give up that allowance money, Moose! LOL. Anyways speaking of my main man Mamba, dude went bonkers last night. Watching Wilson Chandler, who is definitely one of my favorite underrated players in the L, try and guard Kobe last night was just brutal. The sad part was that Kobe wasn't just getting wide open looks at the basket, it was that Wilson actually played pretty damn good defense on a lot of possessions but turns out there isn't much you can do when guy is hitting double pump fade away sideways jumpers over and over. The timing was perfect.

That's right, kids. The guy every one loves to hate and I love to love is gracing the cover of the greatest basketball mag known to man, SLAM magazine. The ironic thing is that the first time I ever got my name in the NOYZ section in SLAM was in the Paul Pierce championship issue and this is the first issue that I know I won't have any work in the mag. But at least Eboy is getting a shout out so I'm sure he's excited about that. Timing...great for Kobe, sucks for E and me. Now on to actual basketball news that people will care about.

As I'm sure everyone already knows, Drew is out for at least two months. Which really really sucks for Laker fans everywhere who were excited about the way he had played recently, especially against Tim Duncan. But, as always in L.A., drama has it's way of poking it's ugly head out when everything seems to be clicking, Kobe nosedives into Young Drew's knee. Now last night was a helluva way to say I'm sorry, but Kobe can't do that on a nightly basis and expect to keep winning at the rate they are currently. I think the Lakers will still hold on to the top spot in the West, but it's gonna be an interesting second half of the season for the purple and gold for sure. Pau and Lamar, it's your time to shine, fellas.